6/13~6/21這個星期情緒莫名的低下及煩躁，是好久沒有的情況。其實自2012年初以來的一段半年以上的憂鬱及恐慌，我後半年算是漸入佳境，好很多了。雖然因為生活的潛在壓力及隱憂，偶爾會抑鬱，但持續一個星期的低潮算是少見的。我變得不愛做事，也不太想跟好朋友講內心話，對人生充滿灰色的恐慌，感覺一切都沒希望，心裡充滿對神的抱怨，因為我實在沒有辦法體會祂應允給我的喜樂。
生活當中不是沒有恩典的，有！有許多小而短暫的快樂及姐妹們給的鼓勵，但我仍然軟弱的時候多，所以我對自己非常的生氣。信仰對我而言，若是生命中最重要的力量及依靠，為何還是如此？唉～心裡充滿了矛盾，理性知道，感情上卻未完全被神的愛摸著。我這輩子還有希望嗎？
6/21去掛了蘭姐推薦的中醫門診，實在有點遠原本不在我的計劃跟安排之內，但現在看的不甚滿意，想說試一小段時間好了。
在蘭姐家吃晚餐時邊聊，我覺得真的很感激她的愛心及心疼她的不容易。因為萱是一個永遠都需要別人照顧，沒有語言及行動的自主能力的孩子，加上他們的家境只有先生的一份微薄薪水支持，還有兩個年幼的孩子。她的困難比我真的大很多。
據她的分享，在萱的出生的前幾年，她曾經崩潰過及問過無數的為什麼，可是後來她發現那是沒有意義的，所以只有轉念想要如何繼續帶著孩子及家庭往前走。
看著萱的房間，堆了許多的大人紙尿布，專用的馬桶椅，床架等，就可以想像這個媽媽的忙碌一天，精神體力就完全是無回報的付出。
萱其實很漂亮，看她的眼睛咕嚕咕嚕的轉，我想她一定很聰明，只是她沒有辦法用言語及肢體表達。雖然對外界的刺激沒有任何的反應，但是我看蘭姐仍然把她當成一個正常的孩子般，一直不斷的稱讚她，摸摸她的頭，她的手。甚至在服事完萱萱刷牙後，准備讓她就寢前還跟她一起禱告。我內心由衷的感動，這不是一天兩天的善舉啊，而是長久以來一個常態性。就連一般的正常家庭，有那幾個父母可以做到像這樣的程度？我真是打從心裡敬佩蘭姐。
用過晚餐及蘭姐服事完萱後，剛好有另一借宿的姐妹來，蘭姐就剛好有機會用機車載我去醫院，陪伴我整個過程。在侯診的時間，我跟她稍微談了我內心對未來的無盡恐懼及憂慮。她跟我分享了她面對苦難的態度是這樣的：因為沒有時間及精力去處理及設想未來的事，所以她都”享受”每個當下。
在我們看來這樣的環境，真的是有天大的理由每天抱怨不完的，可是我真覺得蘭姐是一個智慧的敬虔婦人。
例子：許多的媽媽懷胎時希望小孩趕快出生，孩子小時希望他趕快長大，小孩青春叛逆時希望他變成小時候．．所以她碰到孩子頑皮不聽話時，她就會轉念想也只有這種時候享受孩子的在身旁陪伴，這就是她所謂的”享受當下”。所以不管是萱，琳或理的小時候，她都極其的享受他們小時候的可愛及天真，但是這會兒過了，她也並不會去回頭懷念以前的日子。
面對苦難，也只有這樣的態度能繼續的往前走下去，否則就是毀滅性的被擊跨。
2010年6月5日 星期六
2008年5月23日 星期五
God never forget
I will be travelling Japan this coming Sunday, 6 days 5 nights with my colleague and her family.
I don't change much Japanese Yen cuz I don't make much budget to buy something back. Japan's living cost is just too high, may be 2.5~3 times Taiwan. What else can I buy then? So I only get 10K Yen changed. The trip itself is enough for me to enjoy, not necessarily shopping. I can't afford to buy something expensive by the way.
Anyway, I am just looking forward to this coming Sunday.
However, I received a surprise from Pastor Daniel tonight.
I just shared my story of angel being sent before this CNY. I am a grown-up, though still being single, I used to give away Ang Pow to my parents, my nieces and nephews, and perhaps some other relatives. However, it looks like that nobody remember to give me a blessing.
Then I complained this to Andrew while he wished me to get a big Ang Pow during CNY. It scarcely happended and I guess I wouldn't have received any.
I don't know if my Heavenly Father had told Daniel secretly. Just 2 days after I whinned, and before I went back to Malaysia, Daniel passed me an envelope with something inside. I didn't know what it was inside at that moment, but I was sure that was a blessing indeed and I did think there is a AngPow inside.
I received it with much appreciation and I even thought of only open it up when it was CNY. However, my curiousity just drived me to open it after I came back home.
I was shocked when I opened it. It was a NTD5,000 Ang Pow - the biggest one I had ever received.. OMG
I just wonder if it was given by Daniel or his wife, so I made few calls to them to clearify it out. It was Daniel!!!
When I asked him why the AngPow is so big, he replied "it is ok then.. just remember to buy some presents for your mom" in very easy way.. WOO...
My pastors themselves don't even switch on the air-cond when they stay alone in the office, but generous enough to give others. We all know that they didn't get any fixed salary since the day they began to serve God. What a servant!!
So, I receive another cash gift tonite - 10,000 Yen.
Thanks God. You never forget. It is not the money count but LOVE.
2008年5月16日 星期五
You'll never work alone lyrics
When you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
2008年5月15日 星期四
What bothers you??
I was pissed yesterday..
3 male colleagues sudden made fun of me, while 2 saying "XX(me) 借你" and another youngster replied with "no, I don't want". Actually, it is not big deal, right? Sure I know it is local Taiwanese culture to make fun of others, like what the entertainment programs do. Bad imitation, I must say.
But how if it becomes 2 or 3 times more? Especially when a lady like me aged at 30 something, at least 7 years elder than them. Some sensitive sentences or words supposed not be mentioned, even though you know I am old enough to get married yet I don't have any special boy friend.
But HEY!!!! what wrong with you I have no boy friend? so that you like to insult me this way?
I didn't scold them but clearly told them they are going too far and I am angry with them. It really annoy me. You can say that they are too young and immature to behave like that. But I never think that a guy who is 20 something, those who has at least graduated from colleage would acting like that, no respect for lady at all.. I must say this is very very rude indeed.
I didn't tell others, especially mars. Sure she will be mad about their words and want to teach them a lesson for me. Yes.. I had been thinking this matter the whole night. Anything wrong with me I can't meet someone when I am still young, so that others can make this fun on me?
There is a point that I am so angry and dissapointed and would like to yell to God. "OK. I decided to keep single FOREVER even if I feel alone? OK?"
It has been very frustrated when I dreamt that I have intimate touch with different gender. O dear Lord, could you please get rid of this kind of lust?
Struggles..
3 male colleagues sudden made fun of me, while 2 saying "XX(me) 借你" and another youngster replied with "no, I don't want". Actually, it is not big deal, right? Sure I know it is local Taiwanese culture to make fun of others, like what the entertainment programs do. Bad imitation, I must say.
But how if it becomes 2 or 3 times more? Especially when a lady like me aged at 30 something, at least 7 years elder than them. Some sensitive sentences or words supposed not be mentioned, even though you know I am old enough to get married yet I don't have any special boy friend.
But HEY!!!! what wrong with you I have no boy friend? so that you like to insult me this way?
I didn't scold them but clearly told them they are going too far and I am angry with them. It really annoy me. You can say that they are too young and immature to behave like that. But I never think that a guy who is 20 something, those who has at least graduated from colleage would acting like that, no respect for lady at all.. I must say this is very very rude indeed.
I didn't tell others, especially mars. Sure she will be mad about their words and want to teach them a lesson for me. Yes.. I had been thinking this matter the whole night. Anything wrong with me I can't meet someone when I am still young, so that others can make this fun on me?
There is a point that I am so angry and dissapointed and would like to yell to God. "OK. I decided to keep single FOREVER even if I feel alone? OK?"
It has been very frustrated when I dreamt that I have intimate touch with different gender. O dear Lord, could you please get rid of this kind of lust?
Struggles..
2008年1月13日 星期日
the naming of my blog
Actually I had started writing blog in yahoo, particulary in chinese. Apart from that, I had set up another one after I signed up for msn but seldom writing it there. Just recently I found a lot of Sibuian wrote quite a many good articles. It is just too pity that I didn't subscribe them. For yahoo, you can only subscribe one who registered in yahoo only. However, Blogger doesn't have this limitation.
Well, it's not bad to read English writing blogs.
When I sign up for blogger today, it asked me for the name of my blog. I typed lj_hong as usual. It didn't work and asked me to use Jing-thebestisyettocome and others... I didn't accept the suggestions and try some others more instead. It kept reject mine and I decided "Jing-whynot?" at last. It did success. Bingo. I like simple name.
2008 is a good year. As my pastor said, the best is yet to come.
May you have a bountiful and prosperous 2008 too.
Well, it's not bad to read English writing blogs.
When I sign up for blogger today, it asked me for the name of my blog. I typed lj_hong as usual. It didn't work and asked me to use Jing-thebestisyettocome and others... I didn't accept the suggestions and try some others more instead. It kept reject mine and I decided "Jing-whynot?" at last. It did success. Bingo. I like simple name.
2008 is a good year. As my pastor said, the best is yet to come.
May you have a bountiful and prosperous 2008 too.
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